Adventure #4, Seth's Apartment

On August 4th, 2009, Adayah, Nayezca (making one of her summer cameos), and I went to an internet-ordained minister named Seth’s new apartment to eat lunch and to be holier-than-TV for a few hours. In the time since our last entry (longer than usual due to a week of vacation in Idaho for Daddy followed by a painful week of reintegration/She-who-must-not-be-named withdrawal), Adayah has become a full-fledged walker and I’ve become a full-fledged fat ass. I’m hoping that the weight I’ve gained from the start of parenthood will quickly disappear as I chase Adayah for the next 16 years (plus I’ve really bit the bullet and joined one of those 24 Hour Fitness Lite gyms in the hope that I can look happy and peaceful like the people on the posters inside the place. I’m the shadow of the man I once was). As Adayah finds glee in her newfound mobility, I find fear around every corner. I’m convinced that every corner of every piece of furniture is cosmically drawn to Adayah’s orbital socket. For someone genetically predisposed to anxiety, this whole walking thing really sucks. I’m longing for the days when Adayah couldn’t support her own head. To make matters worse, Adayah is a brute of sorts. Don’t be deceived by her angelic appearance and extra-cuddly façade; she has a penchant from grabbing living things (people and pets) by their facial extremities (ears, nose, hair, etc.) and pulling. What it means is that at any given moment she could be performing an ad-hoc lobotomy to our dog, our cat, her sister, or another baby. Most parents don’t take too kindly to that and I have to give them the fake parent smile (you know, the one that looks like you’re sorry but inside you’re thinking that her child is a demon-in-hiding so don’t get mad that my kid just punked your kid, fool) as I wrench their child’s ear lobe from Adayah’s death grip.

On the bright side, in this world of grab-ear or have-your-ear-grabbed, my daughter is on the winning team.

1. Fun for baby. On the surface, a visit to Seth’s apartment does not seem like a great way to spend a few hours with a one-year old. Especially when the apartment is not fully moved-into, it’s very baby-unfriendly, and there are two guys from Comcast setting up internet (just internet. Seth doesn’t believe in TV. I think that’s like someone saying they don’t believe in gravity. Whatever). I was prepared for a tantrum, an injury, and the end of my friendship with the person who stood strong by side in 11th grade while Peter Fisher stole my biology notebook and drew ejaculating penises all over it.
What ended up happening was incredible. We arrived, walked up a treacherous back staircase, and immediately Adayah started having a blast. She loved navigating herself between the boxes, looking into them, looking at the two lizards Seth has, climbing on his couch, playing on his bed, and especially playing with her sister in and around Seth’s closet, which has a giant rotating door that provided about 30 minutes of entertainment itself. Adayah spent a considerable amount of time going in circles about the house (with me following her to ward off evil-doing-90-degree angles), closing the bathroom door, and peering into the room where the Comcast folks were. Its incredible how the most mundane things in the world are a blast for babies.
Lunchtime came, and Seth was kind enough to prepare food for us. He provided us purple bread with walnuts in it, cheese, blueberries, greens, chips, hot salsa, and leftover tofu and vegetables. Adayah loved the chips and, mostly, the food I brought for her. I think its fair to say Seth is not ready to have kids. The most compelling evidence for this claim was when Nayezca was eating the leftover tofu and vegetables and all of a sudden spit up a mouthful of food and water back onto the plate. Seth forgot to mention that he put a jalapeno in the dish.
After lunch, a local transient named Oren stopped by and we chatted. That basically ended our time at Chez Seth. Going into the outing, I was concerned that a visit with my friend would be less than exciting for Adayah (Nayezca is now at a point where she can hang in non-kid-friendly environments). I was amazed that we spent two hours at Seth’s house and Adayah couldn’t get enough of it. I’m inclined to think that mostly it was the newness of everything: new furniture to play with, a new couch to sit on, a new bed to play on, new routes to navigate through boxes, new internet, and new closet with a giant revolving door.
Overall score: 9. Adayah was thrilled, which is kind of the point of this whole thing in the first place.

2. Fun for Dad. Well, this category really isn’t too fair. Seth married me (no, he presided over my wedding), so of course I had a great time catching up with a dear friend. For this category, I’ll do my best to evaluate it as if a stranger were taking his/her child to Seth’s for an outing (keeping with the spirit of the blog).
Seth is an interesting character. He used to lick lichen, but now he is the proud owner of a master’s degree in public health and he’s working on his PhD at UC Berkeley. The point is that discussions with Seth sometimes go academic and reference obscure pieces of research that he is doing or that he read about. So, if a random Dad was into things like learning about weird disease causing mollusks in a lake in China, Seth is your guy. Seth has also mastered computer shortcuts, so if a random Dad was into things like “Alt-F4”, Seth is, again, your guy.
This isn’t to say that Seth is some academic wackjob. He’s a genuinely good guy, he can hold a conversation, he has strong morals, he’s a great athlete, and he’s great with kids. Ok, one of those was a lie, but I won’t tell you which one. He cooks healthy food that usually tastes good, and he has a penchant for trying exotic things (read: weird fungus). So, a random Dad should fair fine hanging with Seth for an afternoon.
Overall score: 3. Who are we kidding here? How fun would it be to hang out with a random stranger in his apartment while your baby paces compulsively around a revolving door? Sorry Seth, nothing personal.

3. Cash Money. Free! This entire trip was free. No cover, free food, and I’m sure Seth would have given me a free drink of nice rum if I’d asked him (the thought crossed my mind). What’s more, I’m sure the trip would be free for a stranger, too.
Overall score: 9. If I were a random Dad and I spent an afternoon at Seth’s with my baby and he fed me and gave me free drink, I might think Seth is trying to seduce me. Which might be totally cool for the right Dad.

4. Transportation. Seth’s apartment is “near” Telegraph Ave. and 62nd St. in North Oakland. The 1 and 1R bus go down Telegraph, and the 7, 9, 18, 51, and E buses all go within 5 blocks. Finally, Seth’s apartment is 6 blocks walking from Rockridge BART. We drove, and there is ample street parking, for free.
Overall score: 9. Pretty easy.

5. Morality Content. Let’s focus on the whole Seth hates TV thing. It’s quite a double-edged sword. There is scientific consensus that TV is bad for kids, and doctors recommend to never have kids under 2 watch TV because its screws with their brain development. So, on the surface, it would seem that a visit to Seth’s would provide a baby with the proper moral compass regarding the role of TV in a baby’s life and development. However, the moral impression a place leaves on a child is not just limited to the present, but extends far into the future. As Adayah grows up and makes more visits to Seth’s apartment, what messages will it give her that TV is wrong (or, worse, that TV is non-existent)? And how will this message be juxtaposed against her father who replays mundane events in sports on his TV just to watch blades of glass get sliced by a 5-iron because its “really cool”? I’m afraid that if Adayah internalizes Seth’s moral stance on TV, she will become brilliant in the short term (a plus) but will think her father is a brain-dead sheep (a negative).
Overall score: 3. I’ll be damned if I’m going to let Seth drive a wedge between Adayah and I.

6. The “X” Factor. At any for-baby place you take a baby to, you expect the people to be nice. After all, if you took your baby to a baby place and got treatment like you were at Kaiser, something would be awry. At a person’s house, however, all bets are off. Some people love babies and are warm and loving with them. Other people see babies as walking land mines and freak out around them. Others are warm and loving but gaze into a baby’s eyes and speak in the baby voice (weird intonations, random varying pitch, long and slow syllables, speaking in the third person). Then there are those that try to reason with babies like they have fully developed brains. Finally, there are people who pretend the baby isn’t even there. To his credit, Seth embodies many of the positive characteristics for people when they interact with babies. He’s warm, loving, and doesn’t turn into a freak. He even keeps the same voice. Quite impressive for someone with no children (that we know of)!
Overall score: 9. Come to think of it, very impressive. Good work, Seth Shonkoff!
Final score: 42.